Do you ever feel like your life is fragmented with lots of bits that don't really fit together? I feel like this alot. It's not exactly a bad thing, but it's more that I can't help thinking sometimes that it would be easier to be really good at one thing or have one clear passion in life. I like lots of different things but lack the drive/ability to make any one my clear succes.
At the moment it feels a bit like this.
I work full time in academic advocacy. I enjoy it but I feel a bit embarassed that I am one of the longest serving staff in my company. There's not really any opportunities for career progression but I earn a good salary with lots of little perks and I love the people I work with. As a person with mental illness, I need stability and structure and familiarity in my day to day tasks. Working in education gives me alot of stability and I have been quite well for a while now.
I write (periodically) for The Dawn Chorus and have an article on issues around female sex drive due to be published in Filament magazine.
I make crafty things for Polka Dot Rabbit but most recently it feels like alot of effort given that it's a bit too much work around a full time day job. I love creating and making things but alot of my orders are for the same products all the time which takes the creativity out of things a bit as it can just feel like work. I could probably technically make enough money to create crafty things full time but the thought makes me feel tired. I am starting to feel a great pull toward more arty recycled products but don't quite have the confidence/skill to get it all together. I really want to be able to draw well but don't draw anywhere near enough. I'd love to be able to do an art show or exhibition. I really enjoyed doing the craftea chat workshops and I'd like to set up a not for profit for such work but I lack the time/energy to do the extensive business things that are required to get this moving.
Greenrenters is starting to kick off quite well but we're not quite sure where to take it. There's always the possibility of grants and such but we both work full time and we're not quite sure about the next step.
I'm going overseas for a month in June. This is excited as we would like to live overseas one day. Being over 30 makes this a bit difficult but not impossible. I'm becoming more and more interesting in environmental issues but I still love arty crafty things and social justice and feminist issues. I love volunteering and festivals and workshops and galleries and cafes and all sorts of things. I tend to start things without finishing them and I often feel overwhelmed by choices in my life so I end up in a state of inertia.
Some of my disjointed dreams:
-opening an all day English style breakfast cafe with space for evening classes and workshops
-having an art/craft studio in a co-op environment. I couldn't work alone all day.
-living in Eastern Europe
-being fit and healthy (and yes, thin) instead of being plagued by the tyranny of eating issues
-running a not for profit with workshops and training full time
Perhaps I am of a generation which will never specialise in one career/passion/focus? Not wanting children gives me alot of freedom, the future is exciting. But it's also so uncertain....